Random musing.

Yesterday was a very full day for me. Up at 5:00 a.m. to attend meetings at 6:00 a.m. ---- didn't return home until 5:00 p.m. ---- then back to the church at 6:30 for a fireside ---- returned home just before 9:00 p.m.

Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not complaining. It was a good day, even a great one, albeit long and exhausting.

With Mom gone for part of the week and being left in solitude, I've had a good chance to do some reflective thinking. I am awakened anew to the sensitivity my spirit seems to have. What once seemed like only little things have become jarring of late.

Let me explain. Recently I did some real introspective evaluation of my motives, thoughts, desires etc. I found that I had started to be less than disciplined in my mental processes. I was beginning to conduct my life, my meetings, my thoughts, in a routine manner. I was going through the motions without being as attentive as needed. I was drifting, not paying the price for personal progress. It was a serious jolt when I was assaulted by the realization that the people who have been asked to follow me deserve better.

So, the inner searching began. In order to get more traction, I shut down, as much as possible, all the distractions around me. I turned the radio off in the car in favor of selected cds of uplifting music. I stopped turning the TV on whenever I came into the house. I recharged my practice of reading the scriptures, the talks of the prophets, seers, and revelators and other inspirational literature. I became more earnest in the requests I made in prayer and spent time listening while still on my knees.

I tried to avoid banter and light-minded conversations with others. (Of course, that doesn't exclude humor and light heartedness.) I can't exactly describe it, but I tried to "tighten up" my own speech, ie. no slang, no bantering, no verbal bumping of someone else, no laughs at their expense, nothing that would be considered denigrating or unkind. I even tried to be more precise about the way I speak, saying "should have" instead of "shouldda", pronouncing the "ing" at the end of words, I listened more carefully, looking others in the eyes when they spoke. I made a conscious effort to smile more throughout the day, just a lot of little things.

The results have been surprising. In only a short time I find that I am enjoying myself much more. I feel an inner calm that is restful and rejuvenating. I look forward to the chance to read and contemplate and to have a conversation in prayer. My social associations are more pleasing to me. My mood is more consistently cheerful. I've come to realize, again, that there are levels upon levels of personal progress. The pursuit of that progress is energizing and fulfilling to me. I am renewing my efforts to get to the next level, whatever that may be.

That brings me back to my observation about sensitivity. I am certain that in the past I haven't been as attentive to my spirit's response to my environment as I should be. Little things, that I've not noticed before, are now unsettling to me. Critical, belittling, loud, or coarse conversation; questionable innuendo; potty language; thumping, menacing music, and a host of other minutia are not so trivial as I once supposed. I can feel my spirit cringe when I expose it to things that are unrefined.

In a way, this condition is very inconvenient. If I am to respond appropriately I must change some practices. I cannot participate in certain conversations, some that I might previously engaged in without a second thought. I need to be even more selective about my use of the media. I must be more proactive about influencing my environment. In the event of failure to influence I will have to simply withdraw. That may mean that I will come across as distant or self righteous to some of my friends and associates. As unfortunate as that may be, I believe I will prefer that to the option of losing the inner peace I am beginning to feel.

So, there you have it. Some very personal thoughts spilled out, somewhat clumsily, in words. This kind of exercise always helps me get clarity. Thank you for indulging me.

All my love to my family. You are each more precious to me every day. I miss you when you are gone. I savor the times we are together. As soon as you leave I count the days until we will see you again. I wish I had been a better teacher for you when you were younger and more impressionable. I also wish I had acquired my present sensitivity when I was much, much younger. Ah, to be young again. But, if that were to happen I would want to retain the wisdom of experience. I guess you can't have it both ways.